I See You
by Fadetonoir
Summary: Because I really do. -DerekCasey-


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**Thank you so much for the reviews for Winter Night! I never actually thought _anyone_ would like it! *Hugs everyone* Thank you!**

**Lets hope you like this one too!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.  
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I see you.

You're standing on the stage, reading a speech I've heard you rehearsing more than a hundred times at home, and there's a big smile pasted on your face. I can see the teachers nodding their approval, our friends listening to it slightly and the look of amazement and awe on the parents.

But I _really_ see you.

Behind that confident face, I see you. There's no confidence in it. Nothing. There's no confidence, no surety, no toughness. All I see is your fear, your nervousness, your panic and your gut-eating worry.

Because really, you're as fucked up as _I_ am.

**III**

It's the day of our graduation. You're giving another speech, _the_ last speech. This time everyone is hanging on to your speech.

You're even more twisted up, frightened to the very limit at the mention of your future. You just have to have that _future_. I can see what you're picturing; the big office, the big cash, the right husband, the ideal dog, the perfect _kids_, the perfect house.

No space for feelings, no space for obsession, no space for excitement.

Just plain, boring, perfection.

You've carefully applied your make up, your dress is just right; not too revealing (that's important) and just a notch away from being uptight (because that'll never do with the perfect graduation picture). Your speech is open, friendly, and easy.

Too easy.

You mark your words carefully, pausing at the right places, giving out the right impression. But I see you.

I see your discomfort when you say words that terrify you; _change, future, leave_. I almost look around when you pause a tad too long in the middle.

Did _anyone_ catch that?

They still look ahead. I don't know why I even bothered.

I'm always the only one.

At the end, your fear momentarily disappears. What the heck, everything has always been roses, and rainbows and sunshine for you, you think. This is no reason for you to stress out. You always get what you want. Why would this not work for you? You _know_ you'll get your future.

But you're wrong.

Because really, your future?

It's with me.

**III**

We enter class together.

It's a sign actually, heaving our first class on our first day of college _together_. You're biting your lip and worried you'll make the wrong impression.

Hey, beautiful, you always make the wrong impression.

It's just the people. They don't know you.

You even forget to fight me and choose to sit with me. You look around hesitatingly, a smile playing on your lips nervously. You don't want to come off being too friendly but you don't want to brush off you're potential friends away either.

It's in your mind; they would be named something easy and pretty. You always wanted to have a friend named Brittany. She'd have long hair, pretty eyes and have an intellectual mind.

Then you catch a boy's eyes and blush. I grip my pen tightly. You turn away and it's almost comical. I count to ten and you turn around again.

He grins. I break my pen.

**III**

We have a double date. You, Brett, me and my flavour of the week. It's Friday evening and we are all sitting at a posh restaurant. Your Brett offers to pay and I keep quiet. Because, it was _his_ fucking idea to catch up, anyway.

I can tell you were not keen on the idea. You eyes keep drifting towards the window (you're closest to it) and I can tell you wish you were not here. It's strange because I've never seen you this silent...this distant. I've seen you getting high and chirpy during awkward moments but never silent.

Alicia (I remember her name a few moments later) starts talking. It's something about the weather. I open my mouth and it shoots out.

"So when are you two going to shack up together?"

It's complete silence.

Your _Brett_ gives a hasty smile. He gives a lame answer. (I never liked his grin anyway.)

But my eyes are set on you.

You turn around and with those blue eyes of yours, you shoot me. "None of your business!" You yell.

I smirk, pleased at your reaction.

You get infuriated and it's sometime before you cool down. You look apologetically at Alicia.

She smiles back hesitatingly, a little taken back.

"So which classes do you take? I haven't seen you in any of mine." You ask, embarrassed and eager to forget you're very interesting tirade. Its interesting to see you get so worked up in front of Brett. It's never happened before. You've always appeared in control in front of him.

Just to annoy you, I butt in. "Alicia here, takes geology with me." I smile charmingly at Alicia.

She turns towards me and glares.

"I don't take geology and it's Karen."

Fuck.

**III**

You get dumped.

Its tears and cries and more tears. It's exasperating and sickening and also – great! I don't even bother hiding my relief. You don't even realize, too wrapped in your own misery.

It's all, 'But I'm not too possessive!' 'I really liked him!' 'I miss him!' 'But we had our future planned!'

I tune you out at that.

Instead I let you into my apartment and head towards the kitchen. You sit at the counter, sobbing and grabbing your hair in despair.

I really do want to feel for you, Casey. I do.

But the thought of your lips on his _tears_ me. His hands around your waist, it fucking _kills_ me.

I give you a big can of beer (the only thing I keep) and you sip it. I look at you, suddenly angry.

It grows and I look away, knuckles slowly clenching into a tight and painful fist.

It's another sob and I burst.

I yell at you, I shake you; I almost throw you to the ground. You stare back at me in horror. I _look_ at myself in horror.

One look, and I turn and I almost run into my bedroom.

**III**

I sleep most of the night, except when I wake up after nightmares with your eyes fresh in my mind. They're full of terror and hatred and it scares the hell out of me because I have never seen you like this before.

Your eyes haunt me as I get out of my bed and walk into the kitchen. It takes a few dizzy moments before I register the sound of breathing.

Yours.

I recognize yours. It's a slow, deep sound. I look around, dazed. Where are you?

I walk around to the joint living room and then I see you. You're on my sofa, sleeping. I take a sharp breath.

I've heard you sleeping but I've never _seen_ you sleeping.

It's so beautiful.

And teasing.

Your hair fanned out under you, your lips touching, your blue eyes hidden, your hand falling out and touching the ground; it makes me close my eyes and imprint it on my mind for _forever_.

I lean forward, slowly and my hands touch your cheek. You shiver and I grow cold.

And hard.

But my hands _don't_ leave _you_.

It almost gets painful when my hand slowly trails down to your neck and I finger something. I squint my eyes and look.

It's a necklace.

I touch it, pulling it slowly. My hands freeze midway.

It's a sparkling pendant. A letter. 'D'.

And I look up to your face, only to meet those blue eyes.

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**Was this good? *Bites fingernails nervously***

**I hope so.**

**Love,**

**Fadetonoir.**


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